The top 3 warning signs that maybe costing you the luscious, fulfilling, and free life you desire.
Green Light. Yellow Light. Red Light. GO! I Mean No...or yeah..I think?
You are about 50 meters away from the intersection, going 55mph in the 40 mile zone. You watch the light ahead flick to yellow and you frantically try to estimate your chances to beat the red light. You waver making a quick yet absolutely critical decision and with every moment you delay, your anxiety kicks into high gear causing you to:
(A) risk it all and fly through the intersection as the light turns red
(B) slam on your breaks causing your car to make that weird rumbly screechy sound that lets you know you’ve f*cked something up
(C) get nasty looks and a few friendly curse words from surrounding drivers wishing you would’ve chose option (A) sooner or angry that you sheepishly went for option (B)
This illustration is what it’s like when you are not clear on your boundaries or you are afraid and avoid to enforce them. Similar to the consequences of a last minute traffic decision, lacking boundaries can without fail, also garner less than satisfactory results.
What Are Boundaries & Why Do I Need Them?
Boundaries are the limits, both imagined and material, that indicate the beginning or end of one area from the next. They are the determining barriers that say, “nope, not today!” “Stop right there!” “You’ve gone too far.” “Alright, that’s enough” “You tried the wrong one...” you get the point.
Imagine if there were not any laws, signs, or rules that navigate traffic. If you ever get a chance to visit Uganda, East Africa, you can experience this gut churning phenomena first hand. Take my word, it’s dangerous!
Traffic laws help people know when to; start, stop, slow down, and yield. They inform us on how fast to travel; when it’s safe to pass or turn; and where to park and the appropriate hours to do so. Sure, these rules can seem egregious and quite annoying on the right day, but undoubtedly necessary in a high occupancy and busy society.
Without them, we‘d likely be in a more critical situation than merely dealing with squeaky breaks!
...But What If I Don‘t Know What My Boundaries Are?
I once read a book that urged women to “find standards and set boundaries.” This concept both intrigued and confused me because I did not know where to look nor where to hang the yellow tape once I found them. Through my experience, I’ve come to understand that my boundaries have always been present. They were hidden under my ever present fear of the perceived consequences I would face for the embodiment of them.
The clues were always there. It was the knot in my stomach that said, “speak up.” It was the “hmmm, that interesting,” that told me to ask more questions when the explanation seemed a bit off. It was the annoyance and disappointment that overwhelmed me when they did not keep their word the first time. It was the feeling of being taken advantage of; the incessant thought that plagued my mind; and the frustration and anger that overcame me that I chose to ignore and rationalize. These emotions were speaking to me saying, “they’ve crossed the line, and you allowed it.”
Like the unyielding consequences of violating traffic laws, there are always warning signs signaling where and what our personal boundaries are. Unlike traffic signals that are unwavering and definite, our personal limits change over time as we grow, learn, and experience new people, places, and things.
What was cool with you when you were in high school is now a nuisance in your 20‘s. The time and energy you’re willing to give in relationships evolved after you experienced your first heartbreak or betrayal. What you tolerated when you were single with no children is non-negotiable as a wife and mother. Your timid silence transformed into speaking up. Your “It’s fine,” turned into an unapologetic “this is not working for me,” and your unrelenting tolerance turned into impatience or vice versa.
It is up to each individual woman to tune into the seemingly small, yet inevitably critical nuanced changes that are communicating where and what our limits are.
3 Signs That You Maybe Running a Red Light
#1 You Feel as Though You’re Being Taken Advantage Of or Used
Possibly:
You are giving more than you really want to or have the capacity to give
You are giving out of obligation
You are giving with a hidden agenda or expectation to receive something in return or in exchange (this can be conscious or unconscious and is not a bad thing, so don‘t beat yourself up.)
#2 You Feel Unseen, Unheard, & Often Misunderstood (Sometimes Undermined or Unappreciated)
Possibly: You are avoiding vulnerability in your thoughts, actions, and overall communication. There is often a subconscious belief that no one cares; that what you have to say or think will not be important to other people; or that you do not have the right or authority to speak up and you fear that if you do speak up, you will be abandoned or criticized- ultimately reinforcing your feelings of being unseen, unheard, or misunderstood. (Do you see the cycle?)
#3 You Feel Resentful, Angry, Annoyed, or Frustrated (Sometimes Confused or Afraid)
Possibly: You are dishonoring your core values and neglecting or sacrificing what is important to you for the sake of someone or something else.
Some of us may be able to relate to only one of the above points, while others identify with all three. Then there are the blessed and elite pack that cannot relate because they are pristine at setting boundaries. Wherever you are is okay! We are here to focus on awareness, not self judgement, pity, or comparison.
If you did identify with one, two, or all three sections, I invite you to take a moment (10 minutes) this week to identify just 1 relationship, situation, or trigger point under each number that you identified with. Just get it on paper. Do not attempt to analyze, fix, or change anything, just write it down and acknowledge that it is there. If emotions arise, feel them without attaching meaning or a story to it. The things you write down do not have to be recent (example: if a memory that involved your mom when you were 6 years old flashed in your mind while reading- that could be clue. Write it down. We will explore what to do with it as the month progresses.
The month of April is about boundaries. Each week we will break down and explore each of the ”warning sign.” You likely noticed, that I did not include steps to fix the problem-this is intentional. I’m not here to give you the answers, as I really don’t think I can. What I am confident of, is my ability to share insight that I’ve gained from my personal experiences and trends I’ve observed. I will then pose questions that have helped bring deeper levels of clarity to my new awareness.
I do this with the intention to place the responsibility of your life in your hands, the absolute best place it could possibly be.
“The life you want is on the other side of the awareness you accept & the decision you make as a result”
Check back every Wednesday & Sunday of this month as we explore the limits that will set you free= BOUNDARIES!
Follow me @WhitWhitHurray on Instagram to keep up with blog postings and #WonderingWhitleyWednesday
Peace. Love. & Soul- Glow Grease.