a dis-(ease) experienced when a woman does not understand nor utilize the Power of the V
Let’s be real, even before Covid-19, its pretty challenging to keep up with the lives of those around us outside of our careers, studies, family, responsibilities and personal interest. Social media has become an easy pass to keep up with the happenings of the world and our loved ones- offering our approval, affection, and opinions through double clicks, shares, and sentimental or controversial statements. This shortcut for interaction though convenient, and at times effective, has also become the source of people’s increasing lonliness, depression, anxiety, feelings of disconnection, and fear of mission out.
Think about it, before social media, people had to pick up the phone and have a real conversations- setting a time your boyfriend would call so you could pick up the phone before the house phone rang more than once. We had to ask our friends to come outside and play because we couldn’t have sleepovers on weeknights and we reconciled by cracking jokes on the algebra teacher’s shoes when his back was turned. Nothing replaces true human connection.
The Cut Off Culture.
We live in a time where it‘s celebrated and easier to cut someone off if it does not serve us, than it is to work through problems with communication. We throw away meaningful relationships from our fear of allowing ourselves to be seen in a real way. We resist being challenged to take some level of responsibility for our own actions, feelings, or theirs if necessary. Do not get me wrong, there arepeople who refuse to respect boundaries because they lack their own, or feel entitled to treat you a certain way because of their position or history, but I’m not speaking to that dynamic. I’m highlighting, the relationships that face hiccups in the road because you both are growing, learning, and unlearning. The similarities that once connected you like history, proximity, common interest, or similar traumas are no longer a sticky enough glue to keep you attached to them in them same way, yet the relationship could still be worth salvaging if explored with genuine patience, understanding, and meaningful conversation.
I came across this post on a friends FB page and was immediately annoyed. Annoyed because as stated above we live in a time where we are quick to dismiss others from our own personal expectations of them and their duty to be there for us in a way that we see fit. Do not misunderstand me to mean that you should keep people in your life who consistently prove they do not care what you think or feel, nor should you entertain relationships with people who genuinely do not have the capacity to consider the needs of others beyond their own self interest. Yet this is usually the same person or our own attitude many of us can take on when we feel we are not being thought about by the people that say they love us. This is a dangerous game because we often are not taking into consideration that they too have a life that is continuing with or without us; they have their own problems that we likely have not inquired about in a genuine way; they also have their own dreams, fears, worries, and relationships that are vying for their attention as well.
Last time I checked the phone works both ways, text messages are free and time is what you make of it. It has taken some maturity of my own to realize that the sun doesn’t rise nor set on my a**, and that no one, not even my loved ones, are obligated to do anything for me. Yes, your family and friends should be a foundation and source of unconditional love and support, but the point I am making is that what they offer and how they offer it belongs to the giver and should be acknowledged as such.
Having had personal experiences with falling out with family and close friends, I’ve learned that life looks different for everyone depending on the lens they’re looking through. Our past experiences like heartbreak, death, abandonment, the way we were disciplined, battles with addiction, having to grow up early and take on adult responsibilities, infidelity or any other form of betrayal or disappointment are all things that color our lens-inherently affecting the way we view life, love, and the relationships that occupy them.
We place expectations on the people in our lives who are closest to us because we do not want to experience the same pain that was caused at any point in our past, especially traumas from our childhood when we had no control or the tools to process it. We begin to think that we have a right to peoples time, energy, & space, just because they say they love us, not taking into consideration that their view of love may not match ours and that is okay. When we do this, we put unnecessary pressure on the relationship that likely creates more distance, mistrust, and misunderstanding.
The Power of The V...
Instead of trying to break into the hearts of the people around us, we must learn to use the master key. It is the most primitive feminine strength given to the Woman by The Creator- vulnerability.
I define vulnerability -as the capacity and will to seek, discover, and express personal truth despite feeling inadequate, incompetent, or weak.
Society and the newest wave of feminism have taught us to show strength by masking our true emotions, cutting people off without question, persuading us to hate or mistrust men, and to often time inadvertently demonstrate a lack of compassion and empathy toward things and people that would otherwise have a profound affect on us if we admitted we cared. We are being conditioned to master being hard workers, chase the bag, scream how “we don’t need a men”, and base our friendships on superficial standards and frivolous common interest. We take pride in showing how much we don’t care about anything and love expressing how nonchalant and no f*cks given we can be.
We are the most formally educated and bossed up we’ve ever been in history. Women are leading in entrepreneurship and start up businesses, yet we are equally the most over worked, stressed out, sick, tired, and the overall unhappiest (unless we are acting as though we are not) we’ve ever been as well. We cover these things by staying preoccupied with reality tv because it makes us feel better about our own lives, gossiping with friends, smoking, drinking, partying, or shopping. We pour our dissatisfaction into the work we are suppose to love but now find it hard to be passionate about, and we wear the cape of The I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T Woman like a badge of honor, waiting to be awarded for our tireless efforts, not understanding that none of these things makes us the magically feminine women that we truly are.
...Under Your Breast not Between Your Legs.
I had been dating this guy for a while and the relationship turned long distance after graduating and moving to New York. I enjoyed talking to him and was really intrigued by his increasing interest in my life. Though I initially thought his calls would slow down or stop once I transitioned, they became more frequent and consistent. I continued to entertain our relationship and started to really enjoy and look forward to our daily phone calls.
It didn’t seem like much time had passed (when you’re having fun) before my graduate studies and busy schedule began to take a toll on my capacity to handle this budding relationship (or so I told myself).
I remember this day like it was yesterday:
Me: “Hey... how are you doing?”
Him: “I’m good, how come you haven’t been answering my text or calls the past two days?”
Me: (hesitantly) “...ummm school has been kicking my butt, time just got past me.”
Him: (skeptical but accepting) “...okay..?”
Me: (rambles like word vomit) “ I think I need to take a break. I mean we take a break.. like just some time”
Him: (quickly annoyed and surprised) “ A break for what Whitley?” What are saying?”
Me: (Defensively) “I don’t even know how you feel about me. You could be out there talking to God knows who and I’m just suppose to believe you like talking to me that much? “
Him: “Whitley, WTF! It’s always something with you... I knew I shouldn’t have trusted you again (I had pulled this before). How long have you been thinking about this? “
Me: (LIES) “Today!” ... “I mean (the Truth spills out w/ tears)... I just feel like I get really insecure when I don’t hear from you and I don’t want to be dependent on you in that way... I know I’ll start to be a burden to you. “
Him: “What? I never said you were a burden and you never said any of this to me! What makes me more upset is that you consistently treat me like I can’t handle how you feel! You make decisions without me and I think you’re really selfish! Have a good night Whitley.”
Yep, I definitely felt like crap after that phone call and this is just the PBS Kids version. You wouldn’t believe it, but I still felt justified in my decision and it was hard for me to understand why he was even upset with me... until now! I thought I was making the best decision for both of us, but the truth was I was running from the truth of my real feelings. I was avoiding vulnerability.
I was beginning to like him in a way that I knew he could hurt me and that scared the bajeezees out of me! I began to question his want for me, his intentions toward me, and the overall validity of our relationship because of my own unaddressed and unexpressed insecurities and fears.
Instead of examining the emotions that plagued me when I thought about him, I poured myself into my studies, looked for jobs I didn’t need, and created scenarios in my head that made me feel better about the pending decision I was about to make to run in the opposite direction. Instead of being honest with myself so that I could share my vulnerability with him, I avoided, blamed, and then got defensive when called on my stuff.
What I really meant that night was “I’m beginning to realize that I like you a lot. We talk everyday and I enjoy our conversations, but I’m not sure how you feel about me and it makes me afraid that I’m in this alone and getting the wrong idea. What do you think about that?”
Geesh...that makes my heart beat fast just typing it! Stating the above in plain language to another human being would have taken a lot more courage, self awareness, and V-U-N-E-R-A-B-I-L-I-T-Y! Why? Because I would have had to face the truth, rather it be rejection or an affirmation that he felt the same way. It was me who couldn’t recognize the way Love was brewing because of my own personal experiences, so anytime it showed up- I found the quickest exit even though true connection is what I really desired.
Use It or Lose It.
My point here is that I believe that the remedy to Warning Sign #2 You Feel Unseen, Unheard, & Often Misunderstood (Sometimes Undermined or Unappreciated) is in your willingness to be completely honest with yourself and share your vulnerability. When we are not real with what we want, need, and feel because the emotions are hard to face or admit, we project our inner world onto the relationships that surround us.
Whether its communicating with your boss that you feel like they do not trust you with the new assignment and that you feel micromanaged; to telling your best friend you feel left out and forgotten; or sharing with your partner your fears of wasting time or growing apart. It takes more courage and maturity to recognize the truth underneath the blame, denial, and criticism that often comes to the surface instead.
We feel unseen because it’s safer to hide. We feel unheard because we refuse to speak the truth. We feel misunderstood because we don’t stop to understand ourselves. And sometimes we feel undermined and unappreciated because we don’t appreciate the gift we are to the world and the people who occupy our lives. Today is the perfect day to allow yourself to be seen for all that you are and believe its enough. “You’re enough.
Now y’all don’t be out here telling my business okay!?
Is there a person in your life that needs your vulnerability to nurture an ailing relationship? What are you afraid of?
“The life you want is on the other side of the awareness you accept & the decision you make as a result”
Check back this week as we continue to explore the limits that will set you free= BOUNDARIES, for the month of April.
Follow me @WhitWhitHurray on Instagram to keep up with blog postings and #WonderingWhitleyWednesday
Peace. Love. & Soul- Glow Grease.